I consider a short trip a flight less than 2 hours.

I consider anything In driving distance not a trip, even if I’m staying in a hotel.  If it’s more than a 4 hour drive, I fly.  Unless I can’t because it’s in the middle of nowhere.  Then I’m just in a bad mood.

I consider a flight longer than 5 hours a long flight.

And here’s a few, heh ehhm, suggestions I have for those of you who don’t fly all the time.

1)  It is not ok — ever — to stick your feet up on the back of the seat.  Especially if your toes can touch the top of my head.  In fact, unless you are in a row by yourself or with only your family, the shoes should stay on. Your feet do stink. You just can’t smell them.

2)  If you are traveling with kids, it does’t mean you get special privileges for driving the rest of us crazy.  Your kid screaming in the plane sucks.  Get them to calm down.  Administer drugs if necessary.  And, if they are crying, that’s one thing.  But just screaming?  You know, like AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!, doesn’t count as crying.  Stuff a gag in their mouth if you need too.  It’s ok, child protective services will understand, especially if they are on your flight.

3)  When waiting for luggage, have one person in your group wait at the baggage belt.  Every single person in the family does NOT need to hover over the rail, checking EVERY bag that goes by.

Here’s a hint:  your suitcase, when you checked it, was not a big plastic pelican case.  So, now that the plane has landed?  It still isn’t a big, plastic pelican case.  That means you don’t have to touch the tag.  Just sayin’.

4.  If you are on Southwest, and you’re number is A60, do not try to get in line in front of me (I’m A 16), and then hog the exit seating.  I know your game and will call you on it.  And then, don’t glare at me and suggest we “all get there the same time”.  EXACTLY.  So, you go between A 59 and B1 where you belong and do not try to become, magically A15 — cause I’ll knee cap you.  Trust me.  AND, I’ll get you on the no fly list.  I know how.

5.  When you walk down the aisle with your bag, it’s really fun if you hit as many people in the head as you possibly can.  You’ll make LOTS of friends.  And, on the flip side, if you are sitting on the aisle and happen to get beamed by accident with the small personal item supposed to go under the seat?  RELAX.  PROBABLY it was a mistake of someone hurrying and not cause for a complete verbal meltdown.

6.  WHICH REMINDS ME.  Your small personal item is supposed to go under the seat in front of you.  That means it is NOT supposed to go in the overhead bin.  So, shoving it up there and then getting pissy when I move it because I have 100 lb roller board filled with $30,000 in camera equipment won’t fly.  I’ll just squash it.  

7.  You know what gate agents call you guys who swarm the gate, pretending you are in group 1 to board when you are really in group 13?  GATE FLEAS. Don’t be a gate flea.  Wait to board with your group, or spring for the bucks to be in group 1.

8.  The reason I get to go in front of you in line at security?  I fly 3 times a week and spend high 5 figures with Southwest.  So, I have a little card which puts me to the front.  Deal with it.  Or fly more.   Or fly first class.  Then you can go in front of me — maybe — many times I book business class, too, ’cause I LIKE BEING FIRST.  It’s one of my few joys in life.  And I like looking back and seeing you between the family of 12 and the girl who just came from getting dental implants and still has a swollen face and can’t control her saliva.

9.  Don’t eat canned tuna fish on a plane.  It is too stinky.  

10.  Don’t drink so much alcohol that you can’t stand up, and you talk too loudly, and proclaim “I AM NOT hic up BRAD PITT.  We know you are not Brad Pitt.  He has his own jet, and isn’t on AirTran.

If you follow these 10 rules, trust me, the world will be a better place for all who fly.  Rainbows will be brighter.  Virgins will be cuter.  Everything will be better.  

Now, where did I put that taser?  I have a plane to catch!

(PS — No, tasers are not permitted on the plane. So don’t try to hide it with that big bottle of water in your carry on. TSA won’t be amused.)